When I first read about BDSM, and several different relationship dynamics, there was one that caught my attention immediately. Daddy daughter/little girl with a little bit of BDSM, (depending on our moods).
I read so many articles about being a little, middle, age player, babygirl, ect… It fit my personality, my heart, soul, and childlike activities that I already had been doing for years. Things I had been made fun of for in the past by people who I let get close to my heart. At the time, I was so new and had done very little research; with that, I made an ENORMOUS BLUNDER!!! Several actually.
1. I asked Stephen to be my daddy, (explaining what little I knew about this dynamic at the time) and we entered this relationship without proper knowledge.
2. Stephen and I entered this very intimate dynamic relationship while addicted to drugs. To this day, Stephen claims he’s not addicted, but there have been several times over the past few months that I’ve asked to either give it up, or asked him to make the decision because I wasn’t strong enough to say, “no.” At least I can admit when I have a problem.
3. For some reason, I actually thought that this would be important to him, and he would take initiative to do the research about his responsibilities, and how to be a Daddy in this dynamic.
4. In another post, I have the results listed from the first time I took this test that FetLife offers. It’s to help get the kink out of you. I should have had Stephen take this test privately, and then we should have come together to share the results.
(It’s all so obvious now! Sex is hard to talk about; especially when it comes to talking about the things you have a kink or a fetish for. There’s always going to be that fear of judgement. I was naive to the strength of our relationship.) SMOKE AND MIRRORS BABY 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
~ I’m sure there were more mistakes, but I need to break for a few to share my pain. ~
Last night, I asked Stephen why we don’t experiment anymore. He broke my heart when he looked me in the face and said, “it’s because we don’t drink anymore. We never have any money to buy liquor, so we can get trashed, lower our inhibitions, and then we can explore again.” (I’m not sure why he brought me into this, because I’m allergic and I suffer miserably the next day; so I rarely indulge)
Personally, I hated when we had sex like that. It felt so much like real, non-consensual, rape. He gets this predatory look in his eye that frightens me, there’s no tenderness, he’s too rough, won’t listen, and only after his. (As of right now, I’m writing this on WordPress just to vent and try to heal my broken heart, but I haven’t even got to the worst of it. I think I’m going to post this on my FetLife profile and see if anyone has some words of wisdom. Other than leaving, because I’ve had such tragedy in my life, I’ve literally lost everything, and I have nothing and nowhere to go) sometimes; I think he uses that to his advantage.
Last night, this all started because we had planned on “playing” with each other. By the time he got home, I could tell he was beyond exhausted! I gave him the option immediately to wait for another time, and he said he just needed a bath, so I agreed, but in the back of my mind I knew it was probably not going to happen and it alright. I’m human and I do have a heart! Although, the bath appeared to make him sleepier, he still wanted to try.
(a short bit of info: I perform oral on him 99% of the time because I absolutely love to ever since our relationship has become so intimate, honest, communicative; or at least I thought so. There’s another story for another time though.)
After my performance, I said in my seducing voice, “I just want to climb right on top of your face.” It was my way of requesting it, because he rarely does it. He says, “No, I don’t want to 69, my neck hurts.”
Did anyone else notice there’s 2 things wrong with that sentence? Stephen sure didn’t.
I explained that I didn’t mean 69, and explained what I actually meant, and he still declined due to his neck pain. This sent him right into poor pity mode, which includes making me out to be at fault for putting him in this mood and guilt tripping me. He makes me feel so horrible, like not even worthy of being a human sometimes. He knew I was already having a hard day, and then he started all of this. My insecurities built up, so I requested to watch cartoons and it was abruptly interrupted by his booty hoe bumpin’ music that I just wasn’t in a good place to be listening to at the moment. So, I made some comments about hoes, that I didn’t mean; I just wanted my cartoons and stuffys. Then, Stephen (used to be daddy, I don’t know right now 😞) looked right at me and said, “I am ignoring you right now!”
I went to the garage and lit a cigarette. My little psyche couldn’t handle the pain, and I fell asleep crying on the table. Stephen came and put me to bed. (I don’t know how long it took him, but he did say he finished the laundry, and changed the sheets on the bed before thinking to himself, maybe I should go check on her). A lot of trust was lost that night, but we’re slowly working on our relationship.
I heard from a close friend who’s also in the BDSM lifestyle that research, and continued (keeping up to date with the newest information) is one of the most important things when it comes to this. (BDSM) I’m all about research, and keeping up with the latest & greatest. Although, that could just be because I’m super into this right now.
Tonight, I told Stephen that I needed a lot of “aftercare” and he pulled out 2 back chips, and a bag of pretzels. I asked him if he would research aftercare, and he said he already knew what it was. Yet, he continued to eat his chips. Also, I wasn’t completely clear on the aftercare process, so how could he possibly know; especially when he only looked up two things?