I feel more alone than ever

I always thought I was a good person; sure I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but who hasn’t? Maybe I just used to be a good person. They say people can’t change, but I’m a living example of how I’m a polar opposite of myself from seven years ago and now. My self image is a monster. Whenever a guy tells you he wants to know all your thoughts and feelings, I would be skeptical. Just a word of advice. Examine the relationship first, and make sure it can withstand you speaking your mind. Stephen told me he wanted to know mine, and everytime I share my thoughts, feelings, or opinions; he takes it as he has failed me. I know our relationship is breaking down because of it, and now I need to go back to hiding that part of myself. 

I never expected to make it to 30 to be honest. For about five years, I was as lonely and sad as I am now. I have no one, and the one person I did have seems to have lost (I’m at a loss for the word) for me. For example, he used to happily take the trash out of the room once I gathered it up into bags. He would make me dinner, and now he gets mad if I don’t come out right away. It’s like a control issue, I feel like. Tonight, he said he wanted to go to bed and start over fresh tomorrow, because I told him how I felt and what I was thinking. He makes me feel like a horrible person for expressing myself, yet it’s ok for everyone to do it! He spent all night, Thursday, belittling me over the way I talk, the words I use, and how I come off. I feel confused, uncomfortable around him, sad, angry, and on the verge of snapping mentally. He knows I’m going to forgive him, and he’s treating it the word, “Sorry” like a magic button. I feel taken advantage of because it happens so often. I’m about to break! 


Frightened, Crushed, & Stabbed in the back AGAIN by a “friend”

I walked into the laundry room (to drop off a wet towel) and heard Colleen ranting and raving totally uncensored. Tears ran down my cheeks seconds later. The woman who swore to me she’d never talk about me behind my back was saying the meanest things about; not only me, but daddy too. 

“She had all day to take a shower!” Then, something about my timing being inappropriate. 

I don’t know why! It was 4:49 am. Everyone is always awake by 4/4:30 at the latest. 

Then, Michael speaks up, and I’m curious…

“I’m about to tell them to pack their shit and get out!” He distinctly said something about how long we shower. 

The worst came next: “I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! She keeps saying she’s going to marry him, and she’s just (either)

Stringing him along or along for the free ride! 

I did end up confronting her after listening to everyone bash the man I love, and myself over 3 hours later! Then, she had the audacity to call me crazy! I know what I heard. I’m not stupid!

The last words she spoke to me…

It’s unbelievable how she can still blame me; even in this last message. All because I didn’t answer her on the day she wrote me. She thought I was stalking her profile, and I guess she found out she was wrong! I have better things to do than follow a 13 year old around online all day. 

My 32nd Birthday

This birthday was the best I’ve ever had in my entire life, and it’s all thanks to Stephen! He gave me everything I needed emotionally, and all I wanted; and then some. We went to the movies twice. The first time we saw The Ring, and the second time we saw Fistfight. He gave me the most beautiful card, and I cried tears of joy; just knowing that there is someone who really loves me. One night, we were up late talking and he poured his heart out to me. Now I truly know how much this man loves me, it’s definitely reciprocated. It was shortly after this that we began to open up to each other and communicate even more. This caused his guard to come down and he shared his wants, desires, and fantasies with me. So, we have been exploring our sexuality. 


I feel trapped by my own demons since Kymberleigh wrote about me. It was too much to hear her say, “I hate you.” She had never said that before. There were many things in that post she had never said before, but when she said she hated me, it ripped my heart out. My psychosis has been worse because of the stress it’s caused me. My nightmares are back, as well as the delusions. I’m having a hard time staying in touch with reality, and I can’t wait for my next therapy session. I feel alone in my dark world and I want to be left alone. The only one who knows what happened with Kym, is gramma and Stephen. I refused to tell Colleen, because all she says is, “One day blah blah blah…” I’m sick of hearing that! Nobody understands how damaged the relationship between us really is! It’s so badly broken that it could NEVER be repaired! There’s too much pain, anger, mistrust to ever see each other again! She said that all I ever did was cause her pain, and I don’t even know what I did! I did my best. I tried so hard to be there for her. Now she’s gone. Gone forever. She was my reason for breathing. What’s the point of it all now? I should let my demons carry me away. I’m too scared to do anything though. I’m scared of everything and everyone. They always end up hurting me. I hate people. I hate living. I just want it all to go away!  

My Beautiful, Heartbreaking Daughter Continued…

I HATE that she thinks I called child services just to get her dad arrested!!! That’s nowhere near the truth, and she won’t hear me out. I saw a conversation on wattpad, between her and her girlfriend, and Kym had confessed to her that she was cutting. Her girlfriend was begging her to stop, and saying she didn’t want to see anything happen to her. I was happy to see someone was there for her, but I was terrified for my daughter at the same time. Kym was still new to wattpad at the time, and I don’t think she knew this conversation she was having was public, but she figured it out right after that. Shortly after, I saw her mention a suicide attempt, and it just completely paralyzed my brain. How could my baby be so full of hate, anger, pain at this young age? I get it though. I’ve seen what she’s been through, and I’m waiting for the phone call or text telling me she’s finally done it. That’s if someone decides they want to tell me. I’m afraid no one would even tell me, because they HATE me so much! 

So, I asked my therapist for advice on the situation, because I live six hours away, and it’s really hard to be there for someone when your so far away. I had already told her father she needed therapy, but he doesn’t believe in therapy. My therapist told me to tell her father everything that’s going on, and basically put the ball in his court. After several attempts, I finally get a hold of him (he avoids me like the plague) and I tell him about everything. He says, “Yeah, I know. It’s because of you!” I was instantly crushed. 

I guess she thinks I lost custody, but her father and I are technically still married and there are no custody issues. We’ve never filed or been to court. We have been separated 11 years, this May. I know it’s stupid, but we’ve never had the money for a divorce. I wish I knew what I did to hurt her so bad. I asked her, and she refused to answer me. It seemed like she was playing games, because she would get real quiet whenever I asked. I thought she hung up because of the silence, and suddenly her dad would get on the phone and start screaming at me. I tried to calm him down and ask what was wrong, and he would tell me to calm down; when I was already calm to begin with. I’d get so confused, and then get off the phone and just cry, because I felt hopeless. I did say, “Sometimes I regret having my daughter.” It’s no excuse, but it was said in the heat of the moment, after she wrote a book about me in the summer of 2016. There was a video, a picture, and some terribly hurtful things said about me, and it was posted for the world to see. There were so many comments from other users on wattpad, calling me names, saying they wanted to hunt me down and kill me, and it just went on and on. My self esteem was in the toilet, and I wanted to die. My daughter had always been my reason for living, and now I was either going to kill myself or, find a way through it. I took it off the next day though, but the words had already been written, and read by her. I regret writing that. No mother should tell their child that, but maybe I said it because my mom said things like that to me. In this post she wrote, it’s the first time she told me she hates me. Talk about throwing a tire iron in my gut at full speed. Too bad I didn’t get the messages before I saw the story… That’s the ONE thing I hate about wattpad; the notifications on direct messages are delayed. I never stalked her; I just liked reading her books. She’s a good writer; just like me. At least we have one thing in common. At the end, she says the only place she feels safe is on wattpad, and she wishes I would close my account and leave her alone. I know my daughter, but anyone who reads this can tell she’s writing with such misery, anguish, and anger. She just wants to die, and that’s the last thing I want for her; she still a baby. I figure if closing my account will give her some peace, and keep her on this earth a little longer; then it’s the least I can do. 

Closing my wattpad account was an extremely hard decision. That was our last line of communication. I was hoping that we would make up, and all would be forgiven. Too much damage has been done. She was miserable knowing I was in her space, and I couldn’t be selfish. If it’s meant to be, we’ll find each other again one day.


My beautiful, heartbreaking daughter; Kymberleigh 

A huge chunk of my heart was ripped out, pulverized, and squished into the ground today. My daughter and I have a Wattpad account, and we’ve had some issues in the past (Because of my mom and her dad manipulating her) She and I have been estranged for about 6 months, and suddenly I get a notification that she wrote a new book called, “Mother” Naturally, I know this is for me, and I know it’s not going to be good. I’ve been down this road before. Why does she have to publicly humiliate me? Then, she gets all of her wattpad friends in the comments; having this ongoing conversation about how I’m such a b*tch and how they’re going to find me and f*ck me up! Also, there’s a video posted with it, and it’s all about how she’d rather feel her pain than nothing at all, because pain feels good. So, I’m like WHY?!?! What did I do? We haven’t spoken in months. Well, here’s a screenshot of why:

She gave me less than a day to reply! She thinks I stalk her profile all day, everyday, and I don’t. I hardly go wattpad anymore, and the only reason I kept it was because it was our last line of communication. I felt horrible I missed her message! At the same time, I’m kinda relieved I missed it because of the story she wrote about me, and promptly posted for the world to see. It’s a teenage temper tantrum from a badly broken child who has some mental problems, and just needs to seek treatment. I know, because it runs in the family and I’m currently being treated for mine. Also, this poor kid has been through hell and back again, because of my mother. (I will definitely tell you about her later…)

The story “Mother” holds no facts; only our perspectives. We lacked communication, she lacks maturity, and I found that the harder I tried, the worse  it got. Especially when I found out about the cutting, and suicide attempts she made.

Here it is. Sorry it looks weird. It’s in 2 screenshots because I needed to close my wattpad account right after this happened.

Only My Dr. Knew…

Only my Psychiatrist and therapist knew about this until now. Nobody knows the true extent of my turmoil, and it’s built up inside for so long now, it needs a place to go. So, here we go.

Sometimes, I feel like I need to run. Just run and run, until it all goes away, but it will never go away. It’s a part of me now, and it will be forever. Nobody can take the images from my mind. The events I witnessed, and the horror I saw; can’t be unseen. The screaming and crying out for help. I still hear it sometimes. I feel suicidal more often than I admit. People actually think that I am a happy person, and I find it funny how I have them all fooled with the facade of a fake smile. Every single day. That’s all for right now, but I’ll be back soon.