I always thought I was a good person; sure I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but who hasn’t? Maybe I just used to be a good person. They say people can’t change, but I’m a living example of how I’m a polar opposite of myself from seven years ago and now. My self image is a monster. Whenever a guy tells you he wants to know all your thoughts and feelings, I would be skeptical. Just a word of advice. Examine the relationship first, and make sure it can withstand you speaking your mind. Stephen told me he wanted to know mine, and everytime I share my thoughts, feelings, or opinions; he takes it as he has failed me. I know our relationship is breaking down because of it, and now I need to go back to hiding that part of myself.
I never expected to make it to 30 to be honest. For about five years, I was as lonely and sad as I am now. I have no one, and the one person I did have seems to have lost (I’m at a loss for the word) for me. For example, he used to happily take the trash out of the room once I gathered it up into bags. He would make me dinner, and now he gets mad if I don’t come out right away. It’s like a control issue, I feel like. Tonight, he said he wanted to go to bed and start over fresh tomorrow, because I told him how I felt and what I was thinking. He makes me feel like a horrible person for expressing myself, yet it’s ok for everyone to do it! He spent all night, Thursday, belittling me over the way I talk, the words I use, and how I come off. I feel confused, uncomfortable around him, sad, angry, and on the verge of snapping mentally. He knows I’m going to forgive him, and he’s treating it the word, “Sorry” like a magic button. I feel taken advantage of because it happens so often. I’m about to break!
I walked into the laundry room (to drop off a wet towel) and heard Colleen ranting and raving totally uncensored. Tears ran down my cheeks seconds later. The woman who swore to me she’d never talk about me behind my back was saying the meanest things about; not only me, but daddy too.
“She had all day to take a shower!” Then, something about my timing being inappropriate.
I don’t know why! It was 4:49 am. Everyone is always awake by 4/4:30 at the latest.
Then, Michael speaks up, and I’m curious…
“I’m about to tell them to pack their shit and get out!” He distinctly said something about how long we shower.
The worst came next: “I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! She keeps saying she’s going to marry him, and she’s just (either)
Stringing him along or along for the free ride!
I did end up confronting her after listening to everyone bash the man I love, and myself over 3 hours later! Then, she had the audacity to call me crazy! I know what I heard. I’m not stupid!
It’s unbelievable how she can still blame me; even in this last message. All because I didn’t answer her on the day she wrote me. She thought I was stalking her profile, and I guess she found out she was wrong! I have better things to do than follow a 13 year old around online all day.
I feel trapped by my own demons since Kymberleigh wrote about me. It was too much to hear her say, “I hate you.” She had never said that before. There were many things in that post she had never said before, but when she said she hated me, it ripped my heart out. My psychosis has been worse because of the stress it’s caused me. My nightmares are back, as well as the delusions. I’m having a hard time staying in touch with reality, and I can’t wait for my next therapy session. I feel alone in my dark world and I want to be left alone. The only one who knows what happened with Kym, is gramma and Stephen. I refused to tell Colleen, because all she says is, “One day blah blah blah…” I’m sick of hearing that! Nobody understands how damaged the relationship between us really is! It’s so badly broken that it could NEVER be repaired! There’s too much pain, anger, mistrust to ever see each other again! She said that all I ever did was cause her pain, and I don’t even know what I did! I did my best. I tried so hard to be there for her. Now she’s gone. Gone forever. She was my reason for breathing. What’s the point of it all now? I should let my demons carry me away. I’m too scared to do anything though. I’m scared of everything and everyone. They always end up hurting me. I hate people. I hate living. I just want it all to go away!
A huge chunk of my heart was ripped out, pulverized, and squished into the ground today. My daughter and I have a Wattpad account, and we’ve had some issues in the past (Because of my mom and her dad manipulating her) She and I have been estranged for about 6 months, and suddenly I get a notification that she wrote a new book called, “Mother” Naturally, I know this is for me, and I know it’s not going to be good. I’ve been down this road before. Why does she have to publicly humiliate me? Then, she gets all of her wattpad friends in the comments; having this ongoing conversation about how I’m such a b*tch and how they’re going to find me and f*ck me up! Also, there’s a video posted with it, and it’s all about how she’d rather feel her pain than nothing at all, because pain feels good. So, I’m like WHY?!?! What did I do? We haven’t spoken in months. Well, here’s a screenshot of why:
She gave me less than a day to reply! She thinks I stalk her profile all day, everyday, and I don’t. I hardly go wattpad anymore, and the only reason I kept it was because it was our last line of communication. I felt horrible I missed her message! At the same time, I’m kinda relieved I missed it because of the story she wrote about me, and promptly posted for the world to see. It’s a teenage temper tantrum from a badly broken child who has some mental problems, and just needs to seek treatment. I know, because it runs in the family and I’m currently being treated for mine. Also, this poor kid has been through hell and back again, because of my mother. (I will definitely tell you about her later…)
The story “Mother” holds no facts; only our perspectives. We lacked communication, she lacks maturity, and I found that the harder I tried, the worse it got. Especially when I found out about the cutting, and suicide attempts she made.
Here it is. Sorry it looks weird. It’s in 2 screenshots because I needed to close my wattpad account right after this happened.
Only my Psychiatrist and therapist knew about this until now. Nobody knows the true extent of my turmoil, and it’s built up inside for so long now, it needs a place to go. So, here we go.
Sometimes, I feel like I need to run. Just run and run, until it all goes away, but it will never go away. It’s a part of me now, and it will be forever. Nobody can take the images from my mind. The events I witnessed, and the horror I saw; can’t be unseen. The screaming and crying out for help. I still hear it sometimes. I feel suicidal more often than I admit. People actually think that I am a happy person, and I find it funny how I have them all fooled with the facade of a fake smile. Every single day. That’s all for right now, but I’ll be back soon.