Extracted Unexpectedly

Daddy took me to the dentist because I have been in so much pain for over a week and he said he can’t stand seeing his princess in agony anymore. When I get back with the dentist, he announces that both of my teeth are loose! (I thought I saw they were loose, but I was hoping I was just hallucinating) My gums have been inflamed, swollen, and extremely tender. Turns out I was suffering from periodontal disease; where the gums recede too much and it causes the the teeth to become loose. 

Going in, I thought maybe I had an abscess that could be drained. If that wasn’t the issue, I didn’t have a problem yanking out one of my teeth if that’s what needed to be done. Suddenly, I’m being told I would have two teeth extracted. 

My little space is the one place I should feel most secure, but after having my mouth unexpectedly raped twice in one shot; I’m so insecure no matter what I do. 

I feel more alone than ever

I always thought I was a good person; sure I’ve made my fair share of mistakes, but who hasn’t? Maybe I just used to be a good person. They say people can’t change, but I’m a living example of how I’m a polar opposite of myself from seven years ago and now. My self image is a monster. Whenever a guy tells you he wants to know all your thoughts and feelings, I would be skeptical. Just a word of advice. Examine the relationship first, and make sure it can withstand you speaking your mind. Stephen told me he wanted to know mine, and everytime I share my thoughts, feelings, or opinions; he takes it as he has failed me. I know our relationship is breaking down because of it, and now I need to go back to hiding that part of myself. 

I never expected to make it to 30 to be honest. For about five years, I was as lonely and sad as I am now. I have no one, and the one person I did have seems to have lost (I’m at a loss for the word) for me. For example, he used to happily take the trash out of the room once I gathered it up into bags. He would make me dinner, and now he gets mad if I don’t come out right away. It’s like a control issue, I feel like. Tonight, he said he wanted to go to bed and start over fresh tomorrow, because I told him how I felt and what I was thinking. He makes me feel like a horrible person for expressing myself, yet it’s ok for everyone to do it! He spent all night, Thursday, belittling me over the way I talk, the words I use, and how I come off. I feel confused, uncomfortable around him, sad, angry, and on the verge of snapping mentally. He knows I’m going to forgive him, and he’s treating it the word, “Sorry” like a magic button. I feel taken advantage of because it happens so often. I’m about to break! 

Who The Hell Am I?

Geez, I’ve pondered over this question regularly, but especially when it comes time to fill out the about me section on any profile we have to set up these days. I’ve noticed most people leave it blank, or write a damn novel about themselves. I’m guilty of doing both of those things, lol. If you’ve read my about me section on here, I’ve promised at the end, I would get into the details of who I am. Mind you, I’ve only been discovering myself for about 4 months now, and it take a long time to uncover all the layers to get to the many facets of your identity. I believe I am like an onion because I have so many confusing layers, and I don’t know where to stop when I’ve reached the actual onion. Some of the layers are flaky, brittle, hard, easily fall apart, and to me it sounds a lot like my personality on a regular day. 

I love to read, but only on topics that I’m extremely interested in. Because of my personality, these topics can change on a dime. 

My lover and I have stepped out of our vanilla sex lifestyle, and we’re spicing things up. I’m still learning all the terminology and dynamics, so if I do make a mistake, please KINDLY correct me. 

Our dynamic has evolved into the dd/lg dynamic lifestyle and I love playing all the time. There’s a lot of definitions, opinions, and arguments over the labels as a little, middle, babygirl, and such. My solution to this was to pick the label I love, feel comfortable in, and wear it proudly for not only me, but daddy too! 

I’m a very unique individual, and I’m realizing that could be the reason why I have always had a hard time connecting with my peers. Now that I’ve changed my places to find friendship, I am seeing more sincere people. Real people who are interested in getting to know who you are. These people aren’t into gossip or back stabbing; they’re mature and experienced. It’s a breath of fresh air 😊  I would love nothing more than to find a lifelong friend; just friend. 

 

Part of finding out who I am, has been also been trying out a lot of new experiences. One of the things that really wanted to experiment with first was to be choked with a rope, or something like that. When I presented the idea to my lover, he was visually nervous, but he got up his nerve and grabbed his belt, wrapped it around my neck, and banged the bananas out of me! When it was all over, he apologized for leaving bruises on my neck, and my ears perked up, and I squealed with excitement! “Here’s my phone! I need pictures!” I giggled with delight. 

Beyond the average, vanilla sex, I really had no idea what kind of kinks, fetishes, and fantasies were available until my lover sent me on my own personal quest. I don’t remember how it found me, but I walked right into the little shop of kinks and fetishes. It was intriguing, exciting, confusing, frightening, and then I realized I had finally found my heaven….

No one, including myself would have ever guessed that a “little” freak resided within me. If anyone wants to spice up their sexuality, or explore something new, but can’t think of anything, I highly recommend FetLife. 

I’m very happy with myself and who I’ve become over the past few months, but I think Stephen may have an issue with the new me. I don’t know for sure because he won’t properly communicate with me, no matter how many times I ask, plead, and tell him that I’m open-minded. I even tell him before hand that I give him complete amnesty, and it’s still like pulling teeth! In these situations, I find it’s best to have a vanilla night, to reconnect on a different level. It’s definitely not like old times 😋 

dd/lg dynamic

When I first read about BDSM, and several different relationship dynamics, there was one that caught my attention immediately. Daddy daughter/little girl with a little bit of BDSM, (depending on our moods). 

I read so many articles about being a little, middle, age player, babygirl, ect…  It fit my personality, my heart, soul, and childlike activities that I already had been doing for years. Things I had been made fun of for in the past by people who I let get close to my heart. At the time, I was so new and had done very little research; with that, I made an ENORMOUS BLUNDER!!! Several actually. 

1. I asked Stephen to be my daddy, (explaining what little I knew about this dynamic at the time) and we entered this relationship without proper knowledge. 

2. Stephen and I entered this very intimate dynamic relationship while addicted to drugs. To this day, Stephen claims he’s not addicted, but there have been several times over the past few months that I’ve asked to either give it up, or asked him to make the decision because I wasn’t strong enough to say, “no.” At least I can admit when I have a problem. 

3. For some reason, I actually thought that this would be important to him, and he would take initiative to do the research about his responsibilities, and how to be a Daddy in this dynamic. 

4. In another post, I have the results listed from the first time I took  this test that FetLife offers. It’s to help get the kink out of you. I should have had Stephen take this test privately, and then we should have come together to share the results. 

(It’s all so obvious now! Sex is hard to talk about; especially when it comes to talking about the things you have a kink or a fetish for. There’s always going to be that fear of judgement. I was naive to the strength of our relationship.)  SMOKE AND MIRRORS BABY 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

~ I’m sure there were more mistakes, but I need to break for a few to share my pain. ~ 

Last night, I asked Stephen why we don’t experiment anymore. He broke my heart when he looked me in the face and said, “it’s because we don’t drink anymore. We never have any money to buy liquor, so we can get trashed, lower our inhibitions, and then we can explore again.”  (I’m not sure why he brought me into this, because I’m allergic and I suffer miserably the next day; so I rarely indulge) 

Personally, I hated when we had sex like that. It felt so much like real, non-consensual, rape. He gets this predatory look in his eye that frightens me, there’s no tenderness, he’s too rough, won’t listen, and only after his. (As of right now, I’m writing this on WordPress just to vent and try to heal my broken heart, but I haven’t even got to the worst of it. I think I’m going to post this on my FetLife profile and see if anyone has some words of wisdom. Other than leaving, because I’ve had such tragedy in my life, I’ve literally lost everything, and I have nothing and nowhere to go) sometimes; I think he uses that to his advantage. 

Last night, this all started because we had planned on “playing”  with each other. By the time he got home, I could tell he was beyond exhausted! I gave him the option immediately to wait for another time, and he said he just needed a bath, so I agreed, but in the back of my mind I knew it was probably not going to happen and it alright. I’m human and I do have a heart! Although, the bath appeared to make him sleepier, he still wanted to try. 

(a short bit of info: I perform oral on him 99% of the time because I absolutely love to ever since our relationship has become so intimate, honest, communicative; or at least I thought so. There’s another story for another time though.)

After my performance, I said in my seducing voice, “I just want to climb right on top of your face.” It was my way of requesting it, because he rarely does it. He says, “No, I don’t want to 69, my neck hurts.” 

Did anyone else notice there’s 2 things wrong with that sentence? Stephen sure didn’t. 

I explained that I didn’t mean 69, and explained what I actually meant, and he still declined due to his neck pain. This sent him right into poor pity mode, which includes making me out to be at fault for putting him in this mood and guilt tripping me. He makes me feel so horrible, like not even worthy of being a human sometimes. He knew I was already having a hard day, and then he started all of this. My insecurities built up, so I requested to watch cartoons and it was abruptly interrupted by his booty hoe bumpin’ music that I just wasn’t in a good place to be listening to at the moment. So, I made some comments about hoes, that I didn’t mean; I just wanted my cartoons and stuffys. Then, Stephen (used to be daddy, I don’t know right now 😞) looked right at me and said, “I am ignoring you right now!” 

*UPDATE 

I went to the garage and lit a cigarette. My little psyche couldn’t handle the pain, and I fell asleep crying on the table. Stephen came and put me to bed. (I don’t know how long it took him, but he did say he finished the laundry, and changed the sheets on the bed before thinking to himself, maybe I should go check on her). A lot of trust was lost that night, but we’re slowly working on our relationship.  

Research: 

I heard from a close friend who’s also in the BDSM lifestyle that research, and continued (keeping up to date with the newest information) is one of the most important things when it comes to this. (BDSM)  I’m all about research, and keeping up with the latest & greatest. Although, that could just be because I’m super into this right now. 

Tonight, I told Stephen that I needed a lot of “aftercare” and he pulled out 2 back chips, and a bag of pretzels. I asked him if he would research aftercare, and he said he already knew what it was. Yet, he continued to eat his chips. Also, I wasn’t completely clear on the aftercare process, so how could he possibly know; especially when he only looked up two things? 

Babygirl Jessie… Not so growed up either

I’ve been following another blog called, “Not so growed up” and it has taught me so much about myself. 

It began in January 2017. In a nut shell, I come from a broken, dysfunctional home; and nobody escaped without a shopping list of mental illnesses. I’m the only one who chose to face it, get on medication, and devote the time to go to therapy. Unfortunately, my daughter is living with her dad and even though we’ve been separated for eleven years, we are still technically married. Divorce costs a lot, and I’m not paying his share too! (Which he expects me to do)

Since 2011, I’ve been weeding people who are detrimental to my mental health, out of my life. Yes, even my own mom. Somehow, my mom slithered her way into my daughter’s head and convinced her that I was to blame for everything that had gone wrong in her life. 

I used to write on Wattpad, but not since that fateful day in January when I logged in and saw a notification that she had written a new story called, “Mother” and immediately my stomach dropped to the floor. After calling me everything but a human being, she ended it with, how the only thing she wants is for me to delete my account and leave her alone forever.

I had been trying for months to talk, text, understand, and try to get down to her level. Every time I tried, she would start crying out of nowhere; which led to her dad grabbing the phone and screaming at me. I was emotionally exhausted and it was obvious now, it had been her plan for a few months. I figured since I couldn’t make her happy any other way, the least I could do, was respect her wishes. I wrote her a short message telling her I would always love her, and I would be deleting my account that day. She wrote back, “Good, all I ever wanted was for you to leave me alone!” 

So, these days when people ask if I have any kids, I find it’s a lot easier just to say, “No.” If that’s wrong, and upsets anyone, I honestly don’t care anymore. I’ve been put through the ringer and you can’t hurt me worse than my so called family already has; repeatedly. 

Stephen was there for me like nobody had ever been there for me before. It was the worst time in my life. The emotional, mental, physical, and psychological torment I was experiencing was so unbearable I thought it would never let up. So many times, I don’t even know how many; Stephen walked in on me trying to commit suicide. He put my all of my medication under lock and key. Then, he would give me my medicine in the morning, when he came home on lunch, and again before bed. Even when he had to work the next day, he would stay up with me if I had, had a bad day. When there was nothing that could be said to make it better, he would let me cry while he held me in his arms. We both knew only time could make this sting a little less. Sometimes, we’d talk for hours just to keep my mind preoccupied. He literally saved my life. 

We became increasingly intimate. We’ve been together for 5 years, but it feels like a brand new relationship. It was around the beginning of February when he finally opened up to me about his sexual desires and fantasies. I asked him why he didn’t tell me sooner. He’s kinky, lol 😂 and he was terrified I was going to pack my bags and run out the door. He’s adorable 😊 

Of course, that brings up the thought of, what am I into? I’ve been stuck in relationships with guys who were always after their own satisfaction in the past so my sex had always been a little vanilla 😴 I knew about the regular stuff: oral, different positions, toys, and anal if he pressed the issue. 

Stephen said that wasn’t right, and I needed to find out what I desire. What my fantasies are. He told me to explore because he wants to please me, fulfill my wants, needs, and desires. 

So, off to the Internet I skipped. Along my travels, I came upon a palace of sex and probably everything you’d want to know about it. Amongst many other kinks, I came across something called, “Age Play” and I loved the concept! We used it several times before I realized that I couldn’t pull myself away from it. 

Suddenly, I was obsessed. Always in that head space and feeling those indescribable feelings that only another babygirl can understand. I thought something was wrong with me! Back down the yellow brick road we go…. Google 

Thank heavens for Google! I knew how I felt but had no idea what to do with it. This picture is from the beginning. I felt all wrong; mixing lingerie with pigtails. A lot of the time, my so called Age Play kink, had absolutely nothing to do with sex at all! Before I found Tammytoes, I started to find out that I was most comfortable by myself. (Only until I could figure out what it was, because my personality had changed practically overnight.) 
I never felt like there was anything wrong about what I did; I just knew there had to be a name for it. I couldn’t be the only person who happened upon this, and suddenly felt like they had found themselves. When I learned the difference between age play and being a babygirl 😮💭 My mind was blown. 

Age play versus Babygirl: 

Anyone can participate in age play if they so choose by picking an age, and acting it out for a certain amount of time. This is usually done with a partner during sexual activities, although it can be role-played by ones self and it can also be non-sexual. Sometimes, it’s done to escape the stress and responsibilities of being an adult. A person who age plays, can turn it on and off like a switch. Where as someone who is a babygirl, is naturally a kid at heart and has to slowly go from one head space to another. 

UPDATE 

Recently, I began reading “The Big Book For Littles: Tips And Tricks For Age Players And Their Partners” By Penny Barber 

I haven’t read the entire book yet, but so far she has made some incredible points and given loads of valuable information! Here are some screenshots from her book with information that really enlightened me. 

So, labels don’t matter but I am still a babygirl because that’s what I like my daddy to call me 😋 Now I am going to look for some Playmate’s!

Frightened, Crushed, & Stabbed in the back AGAIN by a “friend”

I walked into the laundry room (to drop off a wet towel) and heard Colleen ranting and raving totally uncensored. Tears ran down my cheeks seconds later. The woman who swore to me she’d never talk about me behind my back was saying the meanest things about; not only me, but daddy too. 

“She had all day to take a shower!” Then, something about my timing being inappropriate. 

I don’t know why! It was 4:49 am. Everyone is always awake by 4/4:30 at the latest. 

Then, Michael speaks up, and I’m curious…

“I’m about to tell them to pack their shit and get out!” He distinctly said something about how long we shower. 

The worst came next: “I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! She keeps saying she’s going to marry him, and she’s just (either)

Stringing him along or along for the free ride! 

I did end up confronting her after listening to everyone bash the man I love, and myself over 3 hours later! Then, she had the audacity to call me crazy! I know what I heard. I’m not stupid!

Babygirl Jessie & Daddy

I’ve learned that one of my favorite kinks is Age Play, and it’s not limited to the bedroom. I live it 24/7. It is the best feeling to escape when I need to or for play, I feel my adult self fading away because I prefer to be my little self. The best part is daddy loves it! He takes care of me when I don’t feel good. Rubs my tummy, when it’s upset. He tucks me into bed every night, and let’s me fall asleep watching my favorite cartoons, while he holds me in his arms. Daddy tells me he loves me all the time and he shows me how much he loves me too! I love daddy more than ANYTHING, and I would do anything to please him! 

I luv daddy’s kisses

I gave my stuffy a collar just for fun today and it’s so cute! 

I’m getting a present!

My daddy loves me so much that he bought me a bracelet to symbolize the depth and intimacy of our newfound relationship. Nobody makes my heart melt the way he does 😊 Here’s a pic 

BDSM Test (updated)

Above is a picture of my newest and more accurate results of the bdsm test. You should go see how much kink you have in you 😊
http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=4306702 

== Results from bdsmtest.org == 

99% Rope bunny 

98% Masochist 

98% Primal (Prey) 

96% Submissive 

96% Exhibitionist 

96% Experimentalist 

95% Girl/Boy 

94% Voyeur 

92% Ageplayer 

90% Brat 

90% Non-monogamist 

80% Degradee 

73% Pet 

71% Daddy/Mommy 

67% Switch 

51% Slave 

50% Sadist 

35% Primal (Hunter) 

30% Dominant 

28% Rigger 

27% Brat tamer 

23% Master/Mistress 

22% Degrader 

19% Owner 

7% Vanilla 

The last words she spoke to me…

It’s unbelievable how she can still blame me; even in this last message. All because I didn’t answer her on the day she wrote me. She thought I was stalking her profile, and I guess she found out she was wrong! I have better things to do than follow a 13 year old around online all day.